Waiting at the airport gate
The chattering monkeys at the Gates of Adventure are your friends.
Once you cross the threshold you go alone.
I am at Gate 15 in La Guardia Terminal B. My American Airlines flight is delayed already by half an hour. I am reminding myself on a moment by moment basis that I am having a spiritual experience, no matter what. It is my choice what that experience will be.
I am on my way to Southern California to visit my brother who is terminally ill in the hospital. I feel unclear about the purpose of my trip.
A friend once told me he had a little sign on his bathroom mirror that read "It's not going to turn out the way you think it will." He had a second sign attached to the wall near his door that read "It's not going to turn out that way either."
An announcer is on an intercom asking people to move away from the gate. A late flight-in needs to de-board. He is demanding that passengers who want to board their flight move away from the gate.
My brother has been hospitalized for over two weeks, going on three. His liver is failing. He has had multiple surgeries and even more surgical procedures. He was in critical condition and in a coma for a week.
Yesterday I called a nurse to check and see how he is doing. The nurse cheerfully told me that they had to restrain my brother because he pulled the tube that goes from his nose to his stomach that they use to give medications and nutrition. Right now my brother cannot swallow. He keeps failing the "Swallow Test".
My brother has become uniquely self-destructive for the last few years. He has a broken and oversized ego. He pushes people away who try to help him.
More announcements over the intercom. Flights are delayed, flights are debarking, airline pilots are arriving soon. Stay away from the gate.
I am taking a moment to look at the people in the gate loading area. My immediate area has about six gates. People look like a cross section of the American public. I have an idea of that because I have served as a poll worker at election time. I had signed up to be a poll worker tomorrow but I cancelled that job in order to be here. In order to get a clear grasp of who America is, be a poll worker.
Airports are a cesspool of anxiety. Many people have fear of flying. I don't. I fear missing the plane. After flying with American Airlines over the last few years I have a healthy fear of flight delays and of being stranded in Dallas. The staff here are frazzled. They have to cope with people's wants, fears and needs. American Airlines runs a slim margin and it reeks like the sweat from a hardcore alcoholic.
People are lining up now to board. The pilot did not show up today. an alternate pilot is on his way. He will arrive late in about fifteen minutes, so they say. The announcer requests that people share the available seats in the waiting area. Possibly all of the seats are full.
My brother needs a new liver. A social worker called to say that a committee would convene to assess whether he is a candidate. She said he may need to go on a list in Arizona. California has a long list of people waiting to get a liver transplant. First he has to pass the Swallow Test.
A week earlier I spoke with the doctor over seeing my brother's case. The doctor was gruff. He said my brother was too weak to get a liver transplant. He is not a candidate. Because my brother pulled out his tube yesterday his vitals went down. He needs help but he pushes help away. Cirrhosis is a painful slow disease. If he is going to recover he will have to work hard and sustain a lot of discomfort and pain. I'm not sure he's got the stamina and determination to do it.
People are lining up to board a flight. I don't think it is mine. My substitute pilot has not arrived yet. I am channelling the anxiety.
I wasn't going to go. My nephew called to say he bought a ticket and so I bought a ticket to match his schedule. I would have chosen a longer period to stay. We will only have two days to visit my brother and take care of whatever we can. My nephew says his first task will be to go to the beach. I am not sure of what his context is. He smokes pot. His previous plan was to go to Hawaii.
Last year I travelled back and fourth three times to help my mom and stepfather when she went into hospice. It was a full-time job to get everything done. she had not planned to die although she was informed a year earlier that she had stage-four kidney disease. She did not have a will. I'm sure my brother does not have a will either. We talked about doing it. I don't have a will either.
My brother has active jobs. I asked the landlord to put my phone number on my brother's office door. I have a list now of co-workers and clients who want to know what's going on. Some want their money back. It is all a mess. I don't know how my brother can live with himself. I worry about that.
I am wondering how I might fix the problems. I am wondering why I should. My friend tells me to "Carry the message, not the mess."
This trip is partly to see my brother and try to help him. It is also to be with my nephew and to have a new experience with him.
My brother kept family away from my nephew when he was a child. We were too crazy to allow us to be around. When the boy was older my brother divorced. When my nephew was almost grown my brother disowned him and cut him off. After thirty years I finally got my brother to call his son. It's a little too late.
I believe in making new experiences. The past cannot be undone, but the past does not equal the future. We can have a new experience to heal the old. So I brought my "No Problem" t-shirt. I will wear it and try to exemplify that in my actions. I will keep it lite. What else is there to do?